Tomorrow I stand in front of twenty students and attempt to convince them that I am a qualified instructor, ready to assist them with any questions or problems they may have. I'm only mildly terrified.

Tomorrow.

Hmmm.

It's August 18th - the official end of the summer for Camp Barakel's summer staff. The end of my first week in Wisconsin. The midway point of orientation.

I feel as though so much has happened, yet so little of it is interesting to anyone not involved. I've spent hours learning what my job is to be this fall, but there's nothing terribly exciting about that for you. My weekend is absorbed in syllabus-writing and the construction of a unit one calendar for my students. Again, not very exciting for anyone besides myself.

Now that I'm writing it, there doesn't seem to be any reason for this blog update. So, I'll give you a random list of things that have happened.

I dreamed about bobcats, foxes, and panthers last night. And forests.

I had a new friend over last night. Pretty exciting.

My music tastes seem to have expanded over the summer. Depending on which friend influenced me, I have different levels of gratitude for that.

Finished the Annie Dillard book that was waiting for me when I arrived in Milwaukee. Now I need to read it a few more times.

Still haven't used Skype.

Thought about doing laundry today then realized I have no laundry detergent.

Haven't made the time change. Not too worried about it. Getting up early is fine.

And that's all that springs to mind right now. Time for a return to planning for the semester of students.

I went to church yesterday. The first time going to a normal church service after leaving Barakel is always odd. There's a sense of "outsiderness" that is completely foreign to a chapel at Barakel. And it isn't the church's fault. It was a nice church.

The man wearing Rob Bell glasses greeted me cheerily and handed me a bulletin. I was immediately greeted by several people. They were all very friendly in a non-smothery way, just the way I like it (none of them randomly hugged me, I was relieved). I love singing with others. I'm glad I went. I might go back.

Today was the first day of orientation. Katie Cupcake and I arose early, dressed, and left the house twenty minutes before we needed to. We talked about our military fathers and how they trained us from a young age to arrive everywhere early.

Campus is less than a mile away down a well-traveled street, so the daily walk promises to be fairly safe and fun. We had a good time walking this morning. After orientation, we took a bit of a detour and stopped by our offices. Thrillingly, I have an office all to myself, which is not so common. I'm pretty excited. There may have been exclamations of joy and excitement among the three of us who were there as we ran up and down the hallways comparing offices.

More orientation tomorrow. (I'm doing homework tonight - and loving it!)

People (the second reflective post)

I miss the people at camp.

I worked with a wide variety of people and met even more. One of my favorite parts of the summer was being able to spend time with the campers and get to know them – be a part of their Barakel experience. Love God, live with the campers. They weren't my campers the way that they belonged to the counselors, but I loved them anyway.

The summer staff bonded quickly. We bonded firmly. We shared.

I was assigned a roommate for the summer and she astonished me with how amazing she was. Also amazing was the number of times in our lives we had been at the same place/event and still not met each other. I'm coming away from the summer with a myriad of new friends and a couple of friendships that have grown even stronger. Maintaining and growing these while living in a different state is the next challenge.

It's weird for it to be ten o'clock at night and not be able to share cereal and conversation.

I hate goodbyes. 

 “Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”  - J.M. Barrie

I live in a cute little apartment in Milwaukee. Two days ago, I didn't. It's small and old and beige, but it already feels home-like. 

It's a weird blog right now, I know. I'm trying to reflect on my summer while also living in the present and looking ahead to the future. Today is one of those days where I can't imagine existence without time - linear time. I just can't. I'm feeling in sequence. 

Sometimes I find myself stopping and focusing on the feeling: not focused on the emotion, but on the action. My being, caught in verb form. 

Sometimes I am trapped betwixt and between emotions: a house bisected, out of proportion. I feel the joy and the sorrow. Unbalanced. I am a being distinct from my feelings but they are wholly a part of me. 

I keep waiting to cry.

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." - Tolkien 

The first reflective post . . .

I left Barakel. For real. And it hurts.

I'm asked how it was – did I have a good time.

Yes.

But it was more than a good time.

Words aren't large enough, and aren't precise enough to capture the inflections of thoughts and feelings. PG and I talked once about English having only one word for love – the inflexibility of that structure. I loved being at Barakel – I can say it, but what does it really mean?

I enjoyed being there.

I felt useful.

I felt loved.

I served.

Some days I raged and cried.

But always I loved being.

Always it was the place I was meant to be.

And now I'm supposed to sum it up in a couple of paragraphs.

I don't have any paragraphs today - just snippets. 

Maybe tomorrow.