Grad School Guilt

One of the symptoms of being in graduate school is the inability to relax. It's so prevalent that it has earned a label, Grad School Guilt, and is the subject of a lot of discussion and concern.

I theorize that this inability to relax is why so many grad students drink frequently. I myself am currently drinking chai and hoping that my cinnamon allergy has not intensified. I live life on the wild side.

The reasons for our guilt are fairly obvious. There's no set schedule. We choose our own hours, and really, our own expectations. Because we're used to performing well, our expectations are high. None of us were ever that clueless freshman who forgot what day the paper was due. Our paper may have been written in the hour before class, but it still was turned in on time and received an A.

Is that my throat starting to close up or is it just my hypochondriac tendencies kicking in? 

Even our jobs have no set hours. Sure, we teach at the same time every week and hold our office hours at the same time, but any teacher can tell you that these things are only a fraction of the work of teaching. This week I'm conferencing individually with each student. I'm also writing an assignment sheet for the next unit of class, beginning to lesson plan for that unit, and preparing to be swamped by the grading of their first unit papers. I love it, but it is time-consuming.

At least my conferences for the day are over. I'm certain that dying in front of students is frowned upon in the university setting. 

There are tons of other reasons for guilt - one is that while to outsiders, it looks like I'm staying in school (some might say hiding) I really am working on my career. Grad school is not an extension of undergrad. In fact, I'm in a class with undergrads right now and I do not understand them at all; I don't remember ever being like that. In order to pursue my chosen career, I have to succeed at being a grad student. Some of my professors - faculty I may have the opportunity to work with on a professional level, especially if I impress them. The research I'm doing now is highly relevant to my future research, the research that will get me published, a publication that will help me land a faculty position. I am building a career and a reputation right now, not at some point in the future, and I have to be aware of that every day. This means that any slip doesn't only have significance until the end of the semester, but potentially much longer.

Chai! Why are you so delicious and dangerous?

I think the most dangerous part of Grad Student Guilt is that it causes me to focus on the things I haven't finished to the exclusion of all else. Things are not permitted to have value unless that value is academic. Looking back over the blog, I've seen a number of times when I've called blogging 'procrastination'. And maybe sometimes it is. But my guilt over not spending my time on something else prevents me from seeing the positive aspects of blogging.

Seriously, I'm fine. 

I need to go read Richard II now. I'm sitting in on a couple of Shakespeare classes this week and being prepared for class is a must. My research for my first seminar paper also awaits. Oh, and I should really prepare for that conference. But all without guilt, right?

My chai is gone. I am alive. This is a win.