"You make acquaintances, friends happen."

Wise words told to me last night. Friendship has never made sense to me. I want to be able to break it down, dissect it into knowable chunks, be able to make a theory of friendship that accounts for causation and functions in a predictive manner.

Not realistic.

I've always believed that I was bad at making friends. Maybe that's because it isn't possible to make them. The friends I have, I don't know how or when we became friends. I can't break it down into easily labelled categories or stages. 

We just are.

The euphoria of teaching is fleeting, but radiant. My 8 am class had a day of learning. Some days I feel like I've taught them nothing. Today, I saw them grasp a concept and apply it. This probably means that my 11 am class will look at me with vacant eyes. Can't win them all.

.

In four weeks from today I will be taking the Subject GRE in English Literature. This decision was made about four days ago. It's obviously not the greatest timing in the world. But I want a PhD and as I'm sending out applications, it makes sense to, as one of my professors said, "bring all my weapons to the war".

My hypochondriac tendencies tend to surface when I'm tired and stressed. So far this week I've tried to convince Lydia that I have arthritis and subtly hint that I may be suffering from bronchitis, pneumonia, or whooping cough. (At least that's what all the coughing was meant to hint.)

I took an espresso machine. That's a statement that has garnered a multiplicity of reactions. My mother was worried about my morals. My sister was worried about the increase in my caffeine intake. For all those who share in their fears, be reassured. It is only taken in the sense that I have moved it one room over in the building and am replacing the part necessary to make it usable. Also, my caffeine intake should remain about the same. It'll just be a little more convenient. And fancy.

Grading is going fairly well. My students write hilarious things. One of them described the Earth as earthy. I wasn't really sure how to respond to that.

Paper One

Thunder! Rain! Drama!

The first major rain of the fall always energizes me as I am drenched by the peaceful waterfall, down, down from the stream of the sky. It's traditional for me to run around and dance like a madperson in the rain. Because it is Milwaukee, the glorious storm is periodically interrupted by protesting car alarms who don't recognize the gloriousness that is lightning. Cars aren't very intelligent.  

Not like my students! (How's that for a segue?) They all turned in their first papers today. I now have a stack of forty papers crying out for my extensive (and obviously wise) comments. I'm sure they'd all be happier if I drew a smiley face on the title page, gave them an A, and handed them back. The university doesn't pay me to make them happy.

Those are the random thoughts for the day.
May rain soon head your way.
Crime doesn't pay.
Wordplay?

conferencing

I just finished day three of individual conferencing with students. I am now confident that I know everyone's name and that most of them know how to find my office. A few of them chose not to conference, so they could think my office is anywhere. They also didn't get to meet Hagnk. I'm still surprised that so many of my students quietly accept the fact that there is a gnome ruling over my desk. I wonder what that says about my image as a teacher?

Grad School Guilt

One of the symptoms of being in graduate school is the inability to relax. It's so prevalent that it has earned a label, Grad School Guilt, and is the subject of a lot of discussion and concern.

I theorize that this inability to relax is why so many grad students drink frequently. I myself am currently drinking chai and hoping that my cinnamon allergy has not intensified. I live life on the wild side.

The reasons for our guilt are fairly obvious. There's no set schedule. We choose our own hours, and really, our own expectations. Because we're used to performing well, our expectations are high. None of us were ever that clueless freshman who forgot what day the paper was due. Our paper may have been written in the hour before class, but it still was turned in on time and received an A.

Is that my throat starting to close up or is it just my hypochondriac tendencies kicking in? 

Even our jobs have no set hours. Sure, we teach at the same time every week and hold our office hours at the same time, but any teacher can tell you that these things are only a fraction of the work of teaching. This week I'm conferencing individually with each student. I'm also writing an assignment sheet for the next unit of class, beginning to lesson plan for that unit, and preparing to be swamped by the grading of their first unit papers. I love it, but it is time-consuming.

At least my conferences for the day are over. I'm certain that dying in front of students is frowned upon in the university setting. 

There are tons of other reasons for guilt - one is that while to outsiders, it looks like I'm staying in school (some might say hiding) I really am working on my career. Grad school is not an extension of undergrad. In fact, I'm in a class with undergrads right now and I do not understand them at all; I don't remember ever being like that. In order to pursue my chosen career, I have to succeed at being a grad student. Some of my professors - faculty I may have the opportunity to work with on a professional level, especially if I impress them. The research I'm doing now is highly relevant to my future research, the research that will get me published, a publication that will help me land a faculty position. I am building a career and a reputation right now, not at some point in the future, and I have to be aware of that every day. This means that any slip doesn't only have significance until the end of the semester, but potentially much longer.

Chai! Why are you so delicious and dangerous?

I think the most dangerous part of Grad Student Guilt is that it causes me to focus on the things I haven't finished to the exclusion of all else. Things are not permitted to have value unless that value is academic. Looking back over the blog, I've seen a number of times when I've called blogging 'procrastination'. And maybe sometimes it is. But my guilt over not spending my time on something else prevents me from seeing the positive aspects of blogging.

Seriously, I'm fine. 

I need to go read Richard II now. I'm sitting in on a couple of Shakespeare classes this week and being prepared for class is a must. My research for my first seminar paper also awaits. Oh, and I should really prepare for that conference. But all without guilt, right?

My chai is gone. I am alive. This is a win.

Mid-September

Mid-September in Milwaukee has temperatures lingering lovingly in the nineties. Add to that the nearly ever-present smell of whatever-it-is-that-Milwaukee-smells-like (an eternally-shifting blend of breweries and fish?), and it's simply a delightful environment.

Note to self: your next apartment should have air conditioning. That's the style of living to which you would currently like to become accustomed.

The weather forecast says that hope looms. Tomorrow I might enjoy rain.

Fall is my favourite season.

How adult of me to talk this long about the weather. When I was a child, I thought 'small talk' was code for 'weather'.

I talked to the new Director of the FYE program today and have been given permission to adjust one of the unit assignments and try something a little bit new and different. It was interesting to have a conversation about teaching and trying to improve. It was interesting because the focus was not myself as a teacher, but the curriculum as a whole. I've never before had the opportunity to interact so directly with the assignment-planning process and get to consider goals, concepts, and how to make them work together - especially not in collaboration with someone who is a "real" teacher. Now I have to try and make sure that my adjusted assignment is not a complete flop.

Sorry for the rambles. I had a writing urge but no solid thought behind it. 

Beginning September

I have a couple of drafts of blog posts from the last week sitting in storage, but nothing really worth saying. I'm in school, doing school-like things.

Reading. I'm doing a lot of reading. Those of you with whom I am friends on Goodreads are seeing about half of the books I'm reading, and none of the scholarly articles. Currently there are six pdf files open on my computer that I really should read as soon as possible. Instead, I'm blogging. Procrastination and I are good friends.

I buy most of my books used. It saves money, with an added bonus of dollops of amusement spread throughout the books via marginal comments made by previous owners. My favorites so far this semester have been "YUCK" and "Walpole must have read Romeo and Juliet". Note: the second one only becomes amusing if you know that you're reading a book that was actually written by Matthew Lewis, not Horace Walpole. All Gothic writers are not the same.