Two more weeks and I will be back in Michigan for a month. I'm excited.
It often feels as though I'm counting down towards things rather than existing in a present moment.
Some days I can't decide if that is good or bad.
An "I am thankful that this too shall pass" doesn't sound like existing in the moment, but rather looking forward to a hopeful future. Which is, after all, what we should be doing. But it also involves an expression of discontent with my current situation - I don't like this, but at least I know it won't last forever.
I don't really have a resolution for this question. It's simply one I'm currently pondering.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
When crying feels like greed . . .
I told my mother that I have trouble crying because she taught me to laugh at the ridiculous.
She taught me to laugh at myself, to remedy the distorted perspective of self as most important, most knowing - the focus point of the universe. Twisting the tears into a lens of self-reflection that is about more than personal hurts and struggles.
There is something ridiculous about sitting in an apartment that smells faintly of your roommate's cat and burnt chicken, looking at the empty hole in the carbon monoxide detector that's meant to hold the batteries, and stressing over the opening conjunction of a thesis statement.
Picture it.
Enjoy an amused smile.
A new perspective.
She taught me to laugh at myself, to remedy the distorted perspective of self as most important, most knowing - the focus point of the universe. Twisting the tears into a lens of self-reflection that is about more than personal hurts and struggles.
There is something ridiculous about sitting in an apartment that smells faintly of your roommate's cat and burnt chicken, looking at the empty hole in the carbon monoxide detector that's meant to hold the batteries, and stressing over the opening conjunction of a thesis statement.
Picture it.
Enjoy an amused smile.
A new perspective.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
On Thanksgiving
Over the past few days, it's begun. My Facebook feed is filling up with status messages about Thanksgiving.
"I won't be taking part in your THURSDAY shopping spree. It's wrong to take people away from their families on a holiday!"
"Uh, guys, did you forget that there's a holiday between Halloween and Christmas? Be thankful!"
I should note that neither of these are direct quotes, but rather an amalgamation of different threads of thought that I have noticed. And I love you all, my dear Facebook friends, but you're frustrating me.
Thursday shopping - a pre-Black Friday - is an attempt to make a profit. We live in a culture that revolves around producing and consuming. It's a waste of time to scold a business for attempting to make money. That's why they exist. And we need them to exist. But here's the problem. Because of our culture of consumption, we see buying things as a positive. And it becomes even more of a positive when it's a deal.
We want something for nothing. And when we can't get something for nothing, we're at least going to get it for 75% off. We'll stand in line for hours, punch people in the face to rip a toy from their hands, and trample anyone who gets in our way. It's a dismaying glimpse at the power of greed.
All of that greed conspires to make working Black Friday a miserable experience. I can't imagine that working Thanksgiving will be any less miserable. The argument is, potentially, that it will be even more miserable because of the number of people torn away from their families on a holiday. It's terrible that people aren't able to spend enough time with their families. I love my family. I have a lot of empathy for people who have to work on holidays. I've done it and hated it. But it's disingenuous to say that an arbitrarily chosen date is the wrong time to indulge in a capitalistic orgy of spending - these kinds of things should be saved for Friday where they belong: wait until after midnight.
If you're worried about the retailers and the developing trend of extended sales, stay home. I hope you do. I will. But don't hug that to your chest as an achievement that indicates your superior understanding. Recognize that you are speaking from a place of privilege. What about the kids who are only getting a Christmas present because their grandmother got an amazing deal in a sale? Or because their father was able to pick-up some overtime working the Thanksgiving shift? Forget presents even - what about those who are able to take advantage of the sales to feed and clothe themselves and their families? Attacking retailers for trying to do what they are designed to do is, in the end, a likely ineffective attack on the symptom of what is, really, a much larger disease.
The second strain of thought, the outcry against the apparent forgetting of Thanksgiving because of the expanding Christmas season, is similarly reductive. Don't get me wrong. I am very thankful that my country was formed, I just think it's slightly ridiculous to idealize a single moment as the epitome for which I must be thankful. And that's not even my biggest problem with all of these complaints.
There seems to be a high level of concern that Thanksgiving will be forgotten. This perspective, while understandable, makes it feel like Thanksgiving is an item on a list. We need to celebrate it, and celebrate it properly, so that we can say we have fulfilled our obligation to be thankful this year. Then we can move on to Christmas.These two things do not exclude the other. You can be excited about Christmas and happy about Thanksgiving. You can even be thankful for Christmas.
I've done some Christmas shopping, I've hung lights. I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving because I have the ability to think about more than one thing at a time. I drink pumpkin spice lattes and peppermint mochas. (Yes, I know I have a coffee addiction.) Thankfulness should be a consistently cultivated attitude.
One of the few things I remember about my great grandmother, and I only remember being told about it, is her habit of writing down each day one thing for which she was thankful. There is a date in one of her old day planners in which I was a part of her thanksgiving.
That is something for which to strive - an attitude which perceives the world through a lens of gratitude.
"I won't be taking part in your THURSDAY shopping spree. It's wrong to take people away from their families on a holiday!"
"Uh, guys, did you forget that there's a holiday between Halloween and Christmas? Be thankful!"
I should note that neither of these are direct quotes, but rather an amalgamation of different threads of thought that I have noticed. And I love you all, my dear Facebook friends, but you're frustrating me.
Thursday shopping - a pre-Black Friday - is an attempt to make a profit. We live in a culture that revolves around producing and consuming. It's a waste of time to scold a business for attempting to make money. That's why they exist. And we need them to exist. But here's the problem. Because of our culture of consumption, we see buying things as a positive. And it becomes even more of a positive when it's a deal.
We want something for nothing. And when we can't get something for nothing, we're at least going to get it for 75% off. We'll stand in line for hours, punch people in the face to rip a toy from their hands, and trample anyone who gets in our way. It's a dismaying glimpse at the power of greed.
All of that greed conspires to make working Black Friday a miserable experience. I can't imagine that working Thanksgiving will be any less miserable. The argument is, potentially, that it will be even more miserable because of the number of people torn away from their families on a holiday. It's terrible that people aren't able to spend enough time with their families. I love my family. I have a lot of empathy for people who have to work on holidays. I've done it and hated it. But it's disingenuous to say that an arbitrarily chosen date is the wrong time to indulge in a capitalistic orgy of spending - these kinds of things should be saved for Friday where they belong: wait until after midnight.
If you're worried about the retailers and the developing trend of extended sales, stay home. I hope you do. I will. But don't hug that to your chest as an achievement that indicates your superior understanding. Recognize that you are speaking from a place of privilege. What about the kids who are only getting a Christmas present because their grandmother got an amazing deal in a sale? Or because their father was able to pick-up some overtime working the Thanksgiving shift? Forget presents even - what about those who are able to take advantage of the sales to feed and clothe themselves and their families? Attacking retailers for trying to do what they are designed to do is, in the end, a likely ineffective attack on the symptom of what is, really, a much larger disease.
The second strain of thought, the outcry against the apparent forgetting of Thanksgiving because of the expanding Christmas season, is similarly reductive. Don't get me wrong. I am very thankful that my country was formed, I just think it's slightly ridiculous to idealize a single moment as the epitome for which I must be thankful. And that's not even my biggest problem with all of these complaints.
There seems to be a high level of concern that Thanksgiving will be forgotten. This perspective, while understandable, makes it feel like Thanksgiving is an item on a list. We need to celebrate it, and celebrate it properly, so that we can say we have fulfilled our obligation to be thankful this year. Then we can move on to Christmas.These two things do not exclude the other. You can be excited about Christmas and happy about Thanksgiving. You can even be thankful for Christmas.
I've done some Christmas shopping, I've hung lights. I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving because I have the ability to think about more than one thing at a time. I drink pumpkin spice lattes and peppermint mochas. (Yes, I know I have a coffee addiction.) Thankfulness should be a consistently cultivated attitude.
One of the few things I remember about my great grandmother, and I only remember being told about it, is her habit of writing down each day one thing for which she was thankful. There is a date in one of her old day planners in which I was a part of her thanksgiving.
That is something for which to strive - an attitude which perceives the world through a lens of gratitude.
Monday, November 18, 2013
People have started to do these terrifying countdowns - only # days 'til _______
Terrifying.
I would like the number of days to be higher. There's so much to do, all of the time. I talked to a professor last week about the flexibility of work and how it always seems to stretch or contract into the amount of time available. Then we seriously discussed changing levels of quality.
Going home is exciting. That's one thing I've missed about having a car is the ability to hop into it and find my way to Michigan. I don't know if I would have, but I could have.
Much still to do - grading, writing, applications.
Three more weeks until Christmas break.
Terrifying.
I would like the number of days to be higher. There's so much to do, all of the time. I talked to a professor last week about the flexibility of work and how it always seems to stretch or contract into the amount of time available. Then we seriously discussed changing levels of quality.
Going home is exciting. That's one thing I've missed about having a car is the ability to hop into it and find my way to Michigan. I don't know if I would have, but I could have.
Much still to do - grading, writing, applications.
Three more weeks until Christmas break.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
PAMLA Conference
Opening the curtains,
sliding open the glass door, and standing on the balcony in the
sunshine, looking out over the bay started the morning beautifully. The quality of sunlight feels distinctly different, more relaxed. There's not the same sense of urgency as there is in the Midwest where you know that it might only be a brief glimpse of the sun.
I presented in the very first panel of the conference. The positive is that I was able to present and then enjoy the rest of the conference stress-free. The negative is that it was sparsely-attended, only about twenty people, and the AV didn't work. All told, I think it went well. No one stood up and screamed that I was an ignorant fool; I always count that as a win.
Throughout the weekend several people did, I think, gently decide that I was slightly crazy. The palm trees needed to be touched. I couldn't quite believe they were real. Everything had a very manicured look, lending the atmosphere a slight tinge of artificiality.
I caught a public bus to some random area of San Diego - still not quite sure where. The bus drivers were amazingly friendly and helpful. I'm not sure if they are always like that, or if they were concerned about me getting lost. Either way, wonderful experience getting away from the resort and out into the real city.
Some random facts:
The hotel had a pair of rescued seals too blind to survive in the ocean.
I went on a boat cruise around the bay at night.
Two graduate students and I explored downtown slightly. Our exploration ended with dinner at a
creperie called Chocolat. A worthwhile experience.
Travel back was interrupted by a night's stay at Moody with a couple of Barakel friends who kindly offered me shelter. Sadly, I was away quickly in the morning so we didn't spend much time together. Perhaps next time. I got lost trying to find the Greyhound station, but squeaked aboard before it departed and arrived uneventfully back in Milwaukee in time for my class.
I presented in the very first panel of the conference. The positive is that I was able to present and then enjoy the rest of the conference stress-free. The negative is that it was sparsely-attended, only about twenty people, and the AV didn't work. All told, I think it went well. No one stood up and screamed that I was an ignorant fool; I always count that as a win.
Throughout the weekend several people did, I think, gently decide that I was slightly crazy. The palm trees needed to be touched. I couldn't quite believe they were real. Everything had a very manicured look, lending the atmosphere a slight tinge of artificiality.
I caught a public bus to some random area of San Diego - still not quite sure where. The bus drivers were amazingly friendly and helpful. I'm not sure if they are always like that, or if they were concerned about me getting lost. Either way, wonderful experience getting away from the resort and out into the real city.
Some random facts:
The hotel had a pair of rescued seals too blind to survive in the ocean.
I went on a boat cruise around the bay at night.
Two graduate students and I explored downtown slightly. Our exploration ended with dinner at a
creperie called Chocolat. A worthwhile experience.
Travel back was interrupted by a night's stay at Moody with a couple of Barakel friends who kindly offered me shelter. Sadly, I was away quickly in the morning so we didn't spend much time together. Perhaps next time. I got lost trying to find the Greyhound station, but squeaked aboard before it departed and arrived uneventfully back in Milwaukee in time for my class.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Many modes of transportation
Those of you who follow me on Facebook have already been privy to some of the ups and downs of my trip to the PAMLA conference in San Diego.
I left Thursday, taking the earlier bus in order to avoid unnecessary stress about having to rush through airport security. Stress was not to be avoided so easily. Traffic is an inevitability. For quite some time I was convinced that I would miss my flight.
Similarly disturbing was my discovery that I was going to get motion sickness if I attempted to read at all.This meant, of course, that all of my travel hours were now unproductive time. I played "motion sickness chicken" for a while on the Greyhound, racing to grade a certain number of short writes before growing too nauseated. Not my favourite game, but it passed the time.
Once in Chicago, I raced through the dark streets in search of a Blue Line station. Found with no difficulty!
O'Hare was more deserted than I had expected. One of the delights of traveling on Halloween. Sadly, no one was handing out candy. My treat was a lovely pat-down. My theory is that it was because I looked anxious.
Batman sat next to me on the plane. One of the delights of traveling on Halloween? I dozed off and on throughout the flight.
Landing in San Diego at night, I asserted my adult abilities, called the hotel, and flagged down the correct shuttle. The receptionist gently guided me through check-in, handed me a key, and packed me off to bed.
CARDIS (it's a friend's car)
Greyhound Bus
Feet (in Chicago)
The "L"
SuperShuttle
I left Thursday, taking the earlier bus in order to avoid unnecessary stress about having to rush through airport security. Stress was not to be avoided so easily. Traffic is an inevitability. For quite some time I was convinced that I would miss my flight.
Similarly disturbing was my discovery that I was going to get motion sickness if I attempted to read at all.This meant, of course, that all of my travel hours were now unproductive time. I played "motion sickness chicken" for a while on the Greyhound, racing to grade a certain number of short writes before growing too nauseated. Not my favourite game, but it passed the time.
Once in Chicago, I raced through the dark streets in search of a Blue Line station. Found with no difficulty!
O'Hare was more deserted than I had expected. One of the delights of traveling on Halloween. Sadly, no one was handing out candy. My treat was a lovely pat-down. My theory is that it was because I looked anxious.
Batman sat next to me on the plane. One of the delights of traveling on Halloween? I dozed off and on throughout the flight.
Landing in San Diego at night, I asserted my adult abilities, called the hotel, and flagged down the correct shuttle. The receptionist gently guided me through check-in, handed me a key, and packed me off to bed.
CARDIS (it's a friend's car)
Greyhound Bus
Feet (in Chicago)
The "L"
SuperShuttle
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